Those three days - Where is all this headed?

For previous posts by Sundar hawking a serious topic with some humor, see:

1. The Unified Theetu theory: Definition, rules and boundary conditions
2. A brief history of "theetu"

This last post on the topic is about why people follow these customs, perception of people who follow/don't follow them, in the eyes of others.

When little Sundaram was all but a boy of 3-4, he would rather be naked and sit next to his mom in a corner of the room for three days a month and still enjoy the "freedom" of running around the rest of the house than be confined to only one side of the room at any given point. After a little scolding from older folks, he just figured out that if he had two chaddis, one of which resided with his mom and another which was outside the "theetu" boundary and he changed as fast as S.Ve. Sekar changed shirts in the stage play, his total exposure time would be drastically reduced and he still got the best of both worlds. As an added bonus, this made him understand the concept of electovalent vs. covalent bonding in ninth grade very quickly.

The scheme came to a quick end when great grandma declared that as per the spec. documents, section 7.2.1.1.1 which would be

7 kids
2 greater than 3 years old
1 clothes
1 boundary
1 cross contamination

any kid touching mom during theetu, is theetu by induction, naked or otherwise unless he has a shower! You can change underwear fast enough, but squeezing in a quick shower, now that was not possible. Not happy with the rules which didn't have any written proof or basis, the little boy picked what was his first of many fights on unwritten rules that did not make anyone happy.

My mother used to tell me horror stories of how she was treated badly when she was just a teenager. Most of these stories involved older widowed womenfolk in the house taking it out on the younger girls in the name of "thooram vilagaradhu", "aacharam" etc. etc. and the middle aged women not backing the young ones and siding with the oldies for fear or retaliation. I am sure the men played a part in this by looking the other way. Decided that when it was time for my sister to go sit in a corner, I would fight for her.

A decade went by and in what would have made Abhimanyu proud, I fought the entire family tooth and nail so that my sister would not go sit in a corner when it was her turn. Initially my sister was proud of me, but after seeing the way everyone ganged up on me, she thought it was better to end the fight by going to the corner. After that, whose fight do you fight?

Told myself that someday when I got married, will make sure that my wife will never go and sit in any corner. When San and I got married, she came here within days after our marriage and the first time we had to decide on the rules, told her that my preference was that she do not go overboard with theetu. She had the right to choose whatever restrictions she wanted to follow as long as it did not affect us both. In other words, I wasn't going to take any extra showers because I gave her a hug after coming back from work. She was very happy. San would not touch the prayer shelf in the kitchen, would not touch items in the kitchen that were associated with any prayer, would not go to temples during those days and that was it. If she was tired, I would take over the cooking or we would just go to Bhavikas, not that we needed a reason to go to Bhavikas. I was also happy with that arrangement.

There was no one from either side of the family visiting us till just before Jr. was born. In those 4 years, there was only a self imposed "theetu-lite" in the house. Then Jr. came and we did not have to worry about any rules for almost another 6 months.

We did declare to the parents and in-laws that our house will have only these conditions. One funny conversation that happened with an elder relative when they came to our house:

ER: this carpet, is it cloth?
Me: it is synthetic, but has natural fiber mix in it.
ER: Hmmmm. . how do you clean it.. can it get wet
Me: they have this amazing concept called steam cleaning. They wet the whole carpet with steam and vacuum it, makes it come out like brand new. The carpet stays wet for a day but after it dries you can really see the difference.
ER: Appo "theetu" aache!
Me :!!!!!!!

Small problems like this did arise every now and then and one tries to use his limited knowledge of science and technology to come up with clever workarounds, like they came up with the vinyl covered pillows!

These days, the number of restrictions has taken a slight increase. As we grow older and have kids running around the house, we tend to gravitate more towards religion, belief and faith. Part of this is because we believe that if we raised our kids the way were raised, they will turn out okay. This of course is because we have usually turned out okay in our own eyes. There is always a hope that we would transfer at least what we perceived as the good part of how we were raised on to our kids.

Take me for example. A couple of weeks ago, the girls were so impressed when they saw me recite pages and pages of scriptures from memory. They wanted to know how to do that and said "it is too hard and impossible for me to do this daddy". They also wanted to impress daddy by doing what he does. So we started working on some slokams, by breaking them into small pieces and then putting them together into one long piece. They can both recite many slokams fluently with the original sanskrit pronunciations.

There were two reasons for my doing that. The first one being my own perception that my good memory having something to do with all those hours spent on my grandpa's lap every morning and evening as he recited scriptures. Maybe the ability to hear and remember and recite was what gave me ability to be a "star Maggu" in school and college and eventually helps me everyday in my job. Then again, my memory could simply have been inherited from my father who is a walking phone book. In either case, the logic was that the kids could have inherited a good memory from me by chance or they will improve their memory by reciting slokams.

The second reason was to teach them how to learn that complex things can be broken down into simple pieces and that practice makes perfect. The whole thing was an opportunity for me to teach them how to learn all those things and of course realize that they can do things they thought were impossible, if they listened to their daddy.

That last sentence is the bane of our existence. We so believe that what we pass to our kids will make them like us and that is the best we can do. We teach them to choose wisely and train them to choose like us.

I write this post with hope that eventually when the girls get older, they will make a choice that makes sense for that time and place and environment. There is a very good likelyhood that they will follow some lighter form of "theetu-lite". So far they do not know or even realize that something like this is being observed and that is the basis for the guess.

It is very difficult for every generation to accept drastic changes that the next generation makes. Gradual changes seem to have open or even reluctant acceptance. Hopefully the girls will not be judged for the choices they make. To a large part that depends on how the older people in the family (we are growing older and that means it includes us and our generation) will accept their choices for what they are.

Cleanliness and godliness are both relative terms and there is always a balance between the two that every generation arrives at. Wish the girls will choose things that they are comfortable with, for their own reasons.

One thing is for sure. Just like my decision to defend my sister and wife at some point with their choice, my support will be there for Jr. and the little one, when they make choices and want someone to help them defend their choice. Hopefully that situation will not arise.

Here is to hope!

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Bubble queen

Sporting a haircut by daddy, borrowed shoes from Paati and taking advantage of a very pleasant day outside...

Two weeks ago, it was one bubble after 10 minutes of trying. Now she just fills the space with bubbles effortlessly. She told me that she is practicing everyday, just like daddy taught her, so she can blow more bubbles..

She has finally found an activity that she can do by herself without involving anyone else and that means no fighting with akka every now and then.

As for daddy, this is a great photo op!

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Those three days - Past and Present

The previous post is here.

This post is to put things in perspective..

The past:

Theetu's origin can simply be summarized in two words "bloodborne pathogens". Do not know if cavepoeple figured out that isolating women prone to bleeding was a good idea. Have not seen any articles that study primate behavior for segregation of menstruating females (maybe because small apes get periods when they are 4 years old and larger ones when they are 8?). There are tons of papers on animal fertility, but not much out there on how primates deal with periods or how anthropology or archaeology has approached this topic. Have even wondered if the people who dug up Mohenjo-daro and Harappa or the great pyramids found special huts or chambers for segregated women.

For at least the last few thousand years (based on tribal customs handed over for centuries) certain cultures have been sending their women with "theetu" to communal huts or special enclosures where they spend time with other theetu women. If no other woman is there, they even have a senior older woman give company. The specialty of the huts is that they are cleaned more often, there is no physical exertion for the women who go to this hut and they are constantly in check with the medicine man. When a woman came out of that hut into the regular dwelling, she would take a special bath to cleanse herself. Looks like they did everything right and it seems very well thought out and organized.

a. treat the woman with extra care
b. make sure she rests
c. take care of the hygiene

Then you get a lot of literature on more complex social evolution based on "religion". That is where the whole thing takes weird connotations. Even read a paper on "slapping a girl as soon as she gets her first period" to tell her she is to awaken from her "childhood". I started laughing. In some communities today they broadcast the girl's attaining puberty to the whole world with banners, and a public ceremony.

The whole thing varies from "education" to "borderline harassment" depending on the era and culture and religion. What happens to a girl when she becomes a woman in a place that has something like the Taliban (really do not know but for some reason, cannot imagine it would be as good as the women from the tribes in the south pacific)

The personal view from looking at near and dear ones is that over the years, there is a lot of tolerance and looking the other way when it comes to certain customs that do not make sense. Even in the late seventies, remember that some of the ladies would just send a message to their work saying "cant be at work for the next three days". Do not know when Sanitary napkins became very prevalent in South India or when they became affordable for all that women would not have to take days off.

Certain things are understandable irrespective of the generation that is holding on to customs, be it in the name of religion, society, culture, tradition.

1. It is important to have a good hygiene standard. Washing hands, keeping toilets clean, changing bed spreads, clothes worn during those three days etc.

2. It also makes sense that the woman has a nice soak in the tub to relax before getting back to the routine.

3. Any girl/woman who is losing blood is bound to be weak, might have cramps and might also be moody and cranky and downright unpredictable. So it also makes sense to give them their space as long as it is not a hard floor, but the most comfortable bed (have always wondered why my dad and the kids didn't leave the bed to my mom and sleep on the floor instead of the other way around).

4. It also made sense to ask them not to cook if the hygiene standards were not upto the mark. In todays world of leftover rice and microwaves, do not see how a woman who cleans her hands with the same antibacterial soap as her snot nosed kid or constantly sick hubby would be a higher level threat. It does make sense from a stress point of view.

Thirty years ago, there were no mixers, grinders, microwaves, dishwashers, fancy ovens and day to day cooking was a lot more difficult and strenuous. Still remember that when we were kids, the gas cylinders were not very prevalent and we used a "kumuti aduppu" and 10 days a month you would wait for the new cylinder to arrive and would be on the kerosene stove or kumuti inhaling fumes or smoke. This was true even after we started getting gas cylinders and a house had only one cylinder. It makes total sense to make sure that the women got their rest from cooking, but the sticking point was that they were dependent on the others in the house to get them the food they wanted.

Poor girl would say "stop. enough. dont want more" and they would pile it on her plate knowing that once it got to her plate she couldn't put it back or give it to anyone else, because the food on her plate was now "theetu". If she choose to waste that food, she would get yelled at. Also, the fact that people who observe this had men in the house who had no clue how to cook and learnt cooking on "those three days", can be the subject of a book by itself. If Meenakshi Ammal wrote a book on learning to cook in thirty days, many a Meenakshi Sundaram has learnt to cook in three days out of thirty!

Present :

In today's world, any newly married couple who are by themselves mostly choose to observe "theetu-lite" where they restrict themselves from going near the prayer room, temples, religious functions, even cultural functions like weddings (don't know why you would not go to a close relative or friends wedding because you have periods, that one still beats me. For some reason identical rules for a person in mourning are applied to a woman with periods when it comes to attending functions, Why?).

Some women go one step further and eat outside or go on a jamba juice diet which again makes sense. No cooking and need to keep hydrated! Also know that most of the couples we know do not have separate beds and that means they do sleep in the same bed when the woman has periods. Chances are she is going to ask for a hand and foot massage because of cramps and she totally deserves it and she will get it in houses with "theetu-lite".

There are a lot of families which just do not observe any differences and tell you they do not believe in "theetu". There are believers in god who do not observe theetu and atheists who do, in Tamilnadu which is interesting. So that is probably the proof that this crosses religious boundaries and could be more of a social custom.

However if you have parents, in-laws or older relatives living with you the rules bend. If grandparents or grand-in-laws are there the rules pretty much bend so much that they look like a mobius strip.

To a large part the future of "theetu" depends on this past and present. How the previous generation convinces the next to follow certain customs is the final part of the post.

1. How much of a choice did/do/will my grandmother/mother/wife/daughters have in chosing to observe these customs?

2. How were/are/will the girls be convinced on the moral, ethical ramifications of the decisions they make?

3. How were/are/will they be judged based on their choice?

There are still families which follow "theetu" in India. A lot of folks who have stopped following it because they live in nuclear families, automatically assume that the rest of the world has moved forward with them. That is not true. I am also guilty of making such assumptions on a day to day basis. Have this subconscious feeling that the whole world is tech savvy, which it clearly is not.

Very sad to disappoint those folks who were expecting a fight or flame. The intent of these posts was not to create any animosity or friction.

It is to understand and get clarity on this custom and maybe learn a thing or two by sharing thoughts. Using a professors words "you haven't thought it through till you have written it down and you haven't understood it till you have published it"..

Here is to hope for a better understanding as the publish button is being hit.

ps. the final part on Saturday.
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