A fond farewell

This blog has not seen a post since May 26th. It has been a 100 days. I simply could not get back to writing.

My dad passed on 29th of May. After going to India and participating in his last rites, something has left me. Do not know what it is. That 10+ days of going through rituals has left some unexplainable void.

There are a lot of things to write about. Lots of songs to sing. Somehow could not get back to doing things I do normally with the same ease. The only saving grace was yoga. Somehow knew that going to a hot and humid room and spending 90 minutes without making any external sound, will help silence my inner voice and bring me much needed calm, and it did. Kept doing yoga as much as possible.

One of my Smule group friends threw a party to introduce his son and new daugher-in-law after the marriage. Many from the group had planned to sing at this meet and greet. Did not sign up, but once there, my friends pulled me in to sing and I did enjoy that moment. Somehow after coming home after the event, went back into a funk.

Work kept me very busy. A young co-worker ended up sick right after I came back and that left another lump in my throat. Kept all my focus on just work and yoga. The writing and singing, taking pictures and hiking went sideways.

Then came the long weekend and we went on a trip as a family. This might have been the one chance to go as a family given the kids are adults now and their schedules are no longer under our control. It was a good week spent but still took me some time, to just log back into the blog site.

This is my online farewell to my dad. I have to write about the man and his influence or the buffer block won’t clear in my head.

Here is to

Shri Hariharan Narayanan of Pudukkottai, Chennai

1939-2025

My dad lost his mom at a very young age and that pretty much left a scar that carried through his life. He got married late and had kids late. He was extremely intelligent and smart. Had a phenomenal memory and ability to connect dots. He was also an emotional idiot with a penchant to romanticize tragedy and nostalgia.

His only bad trait was a short temper, a blown fuse that took its toll on me as a kid. Still when there was a time when no one stood by me, he was there for me. He was always the contrast to everything I looked up to in my grandpa. My grandpa was the biggest influence in my life. I always credit him for my value system, but my dad was there to shape it without intending to. Years later when my dad spent almost 6 months with us, I actually realized there were a lot of things that were common between my grandpa and my dad.

Then there is my reflection in the mirror, the things I do, my fear of going through Parkinson’s… which constantly remind me of him.

There were times I had a love hate relationship with who I was, who I am, but somethings I have not given up, like wearing my poonal, no matter what.. because he wanted me to wear it till I die, so sandyavandanam, change it once a year, so one day perform his last rites, give my daughters hand in marriage (in his eyes it was part of a rite of passage). He being who he was from a different time, was still talking to me about his sadness at me not having a son when I was already 50 and old enough to start thinking of becoming a grandpa myself. Over the years it used to annoy me, but as I matured, learned to laugh it off. There was no changing either one of us on certain things.

He mellowed out as he aged. It was easier to interact with him as the years passed. Not sure how much of that is a reflection of either one of us becoming more accepting. Maybe both of us!

As I write this, I can feel him right here next to me, reading this over my shoulder and suggesting edits, telling me I could do better than this. Wanted to write a fond farewell, only to realize there is no saying bye to someone who is a part of me.

He is definitely wishing me well from wherever he is.

Time is supposed to move things along and even if you sense a tinge of sadness in my writing and singing and overall mood, this too shall pass. We are seeing a steady improvement in my social interactivity coefficient already in 3 months. Maybe in another three months, will be back to being my usual self.

Here is to …

Possibilities - a conversation

We were talking about the election results while driving back from school, when Jr. is suddenly all moping.. 

Me : What happened now?

Jr. : Everyone in my class will get to vote in the next election except me! I am the only one who will not be 18 by Voting day in 2020. Do you know how bad that makes me feel?

Me : you will get to vote in 2022. Big deal

Jr. : Who wants their first vote to be in a midterm election? 

Me : If I were you, I would be happy to vote in any election. Reminded her of the story I had already told her about my voting experience...

Back story: The only time I got to vote in India being an Indian citizen was when I happened to come home to Chennai from Varanasi and it was election time. I went to the booth and the guy there told me "you have already voted. now disappear before something bad happens to you!". My grandpa scolded me for going to the booth alone, instead of showing some rightful indignation. That was when I was 18 (Chandrasekar was Prime Minister..it was a short lived tenure). I came to the US when I was 20 and the next time I actually voted was in 2006 as a US citizen in a midterm election and voted for Arnold Schwarzenegger! Have not missed voting since then. No one has told me that I have already voted or turned me back. I drop my mail in ballot at the Cupertino City hall a few weeks ahead of the election and can even track my vote. However I do hear that people go through things like what I went through in India, even today in the US elections in many places. 

Back to our conversation..

Jr. : Could you not have conceived me two weeks earlier? This is all your and amma's fault that I don't get to vote. 

I was suddenly silent and upset. There are people these days who schedule C-sections so their kids are born on an auspicious birth star, a certain Chinese zodiac year, before Dec 31st so they can claim a dependent on their tax return, etc. etc. ( know of all above cases).. but trying to beat the voting cutoff?! That is new!

Then I thought,  she was not a planned C-section. Her poor mom pushed and pushed all day and finally after she almost came out, she got stuck and it ended up an emergency C-section. 

Me : You were two weeks late and past your due date. Your origial due date was Deepavali, but you showed no signs of coming out. We were in the hosptal instead where your mom had to go through a baby stress test. You were under no stress. So they sent us back home. If this is anyones fault, it is your own. You should have been on time! 

I knew that was mean, but there comes a time in a mans life when he is just plain tired of being the fall guy. 

Later I tried to make up for the outburst... with some luck.

Midterms are important.. sometimes even more important than the Presidential elections.. please keep saying that people. I have other reasons to support that statement now.

As long as Jr. takes her vote seriously, I am a very happy and proud father! 

There was a time..

There was a time when an economy class ticket would still get you a warm smile from the air hostesses, warm blankets, a kit with toothpaste, socks, eye patch, ear plugs for everyone, another kit with fun stuff to do for every kid that gets on the plane, veggie noodles for snacks between meals, and among other things, a deck of playing cards to pass time.

We have been playing cards at home recently with the kids as the little one is turning into a rummy champion of sorts!

The one deck of cards that has still survived in the house is this one.

This deck pre dates both Jr. and the little one. We got it in the late nineties I think. I kept it as a souvenier of what air travel used to be like. The box is all taped up and the cards were handled with care over 16 years. 

Now we are playing with it. I am tempted to return it back into my shoe box and buy a new deck of cards to play with the kids. Given it is the first time we will be paying for a deck of cards, want it to be a memorable deck for the kids.

Who knows? Maybe they will tape it all up and show it to me in 20 years?